“Talking In Scandinavia” - Part 2 - Sweden
by zohefilms
Now that I was in Scandinavia, surely male-female relationships were different here? This was the region of gender equality. The Swedes and the Fins could finally teach me how to do this, they could help me with my failing relationship, if only I could take notes.
But then the strangest thing happened. Interview after interview each journalist asked me the same question I was asking myself – why was it that men and woman communicate so differently? And they didn’t ask me abstractly or objectively! They asked me with exasperation in their eyes and disappointment in their face. I could see they – like I – were desperate. They hoped that I might provide them with some clue to resolving this painful dilemma. One shy looking journalist in his thirties with glasses, began to give me some clues:
“I have to admit watching FLYING made me jealous!” He sighed heavily. “Why are women able to have such intimate conversations?” I could see he was a little embarrassed admitting this to a stranger. “I don’t know how you do it. I try to be intimate, but then I just run out of steam — after a while I just don’t have anything left to say! Whereas women can go on forever…”
It was such a relief to hear a man admitting what he couldn’t do, but also strange because despite my hopes that this was just a problem with my boyfriend, (yes I was still trying to deny gender!) I had to face the realization that this issue divided the world in two. Men and woman had different languages; the fight I was having with my boyfriend was so very typical. And even now, in the millennium, the cause of this gender division still wasn’t clear to any of us:
“But tell me,” he asked with a kind of desperation. “Why do you think it is so?”
I knew I was supposed to be an expert on gender issues because of FLYING — and certainly I had thought about it a lot — but I still felt lost in the proverbial woods.
“I think,” I began tentatively, “that there is or must be a biological component…. as well as a learned component…. You know that feelings just weren’t useful when you went into the woods to hunt animals to eat. Of course, the men must have been afraid –terrified — but to talk about it would only make it worse. So there grew up a culture of male pride. Probably the men who didn’t talk survived better, so then there was a genetic change….”
“Oh,” he said; his eyes excited. “You know here in Sweden bringing biology up around gender differences is just not politically correct. You can’t do it, people get angry at you….”
“I guess it make sense that if you want to talk about change, it is easy to use biology as an excuse.” I agreed and I saw him nod, “But honestly biology is just following our repetitive actions, so I am sure even biology could be changed if talking became a preferred trait for men over generations, don’t you think…?”
Just then, the SVT press agent, Brita, knocked on our door that it was time to stop. I was on a strict schedule and we had to say goodbye. It was sad because we both could have talked a long time. Before leaving the journalist said:
“If it wasn’t for my wife, I would be completely hopeless, but she has taught me a lot…”
As he left, I thought how lovely it was for a man to admit openly that a woman — his wife – could influence him like that. I think a lot of time men don’t allow themselves to change because they are afraid of seeming weak and giving their power away to women.
The day continued. There were five more interviews all by women – but amazingly all asked me the same golden question about male-female language. And I’m afraid for the most part none of us had much insight on the matter.
One woman who ran a feminist Internet site also asked. I decided to try my theory tentatively again with her, even though I had been told by the male journalist that it was politically incorrect. So I told her that I thought it was both biological and learned behavior:
“…Yet all culture turns into biology at some point, no?” I said. “If the genetic code is being created by us then even not talking can be both hard wired and supported by cultural practice…” But I really wasn’t sure. “What do you think?” I asked frustrated.
“I think it has something to do with being oppressed.” She said, “When there is no ability to act, you learn to talk. Not just women but all oppressed people….” She looked me straight in the eye: ‘I mean, if you have no agency in the world, you have nothing but talking…”
A light bulb went off in my head. When I was growing up the most communicative and open person I ever met was an Afro-American man named Cola who was the housekeeper for my family. We lived in the suburbs and because we had so many kids, my mother and him would split the driving. He used to drive us everywhere and when he drove we would talk, but he talked about everything openly – his feelings, his desires, his problems — and he talked to me as an equal. Cola was the son of southern sharecroppers and he had moved east to find work. He didn’t even have a high school education. There is no one more oppressed in America than the Afro-American male….
When you are oppressed, the only way you can let off steam is by talking. The women in my family did nothing but talk and express their feelings (to the degree that I often wanted them to hold some back but they definitely knew how to express). My father couldn’t express his emotions at all – except anger, which is the one male emotion. He went out in the world and ‘acted’. All his energy was consumed by action. No wonder he didn’t need to learn the language of feelings. That language of feelings had no place in the marketplace, where showing you’re feelings, tipping your hand so to speak, could actually make you loose your job…
… The interview went on, and of course there wasn’t enough time to say everything we wanted, since there were others waiting. Through the course of the day, there were so many things said and shared with my new Swedish friends. Because even thought this was a professional setting, FLYING had opened up the subject and provided a frame for us to talk in an honest way about who we really are as women and as men. So, after hours and hours of talking with the Swedish press I felt better, and though I hadn’t made huge inroads into the dilemma I was having with my boyfriend, I felt like I had some new thoughts to chew on. And that is all I need to feel better in the world. Sharing ideas and feelings. It is what feeds me – and that is oh so female.
November 1st, 2007 at 1:28 am
The first chapter of “Flying” was shown on Swedish state channel (SVT) on Sunday, and I look forward to the continuation.
A couple of comments on what you wrote, Jennifer.
Not an excuse for me, but it also helps me to be more compassionate toward myself and refrain from judging myself as an insensitive person.
The importance of biology is almost a taboo in Sweden. If one brings this up, one risks being labeled a “fascist”. Unlike the Swedish men you spoke to, I don’t think biology will be changed or that the solution lies in it. What I believe is that AWARENESS of the differences aroused in the process of evolution can help us become more tolerant and understanding. For example, if homophobs learn that homosexuality is not a catchy disease but a biological factor, they will not have the fear of sending their kids to school no matter how they feel about homosexuality. If my boyfriend knows that my raging humor today depends on PMS and on the hormonal roller-coaster, he would hopefully be more understanding and less sensitive to the occasional attacks I might unleash on him.
I think we all will gain by learning about why we are the way we are (an evolutionary path when we needed those emotions and still need them), becoming aware of learning how to control them when we see them arising, and knowing it is not for our own good that we “jump on that train”.
Irina Almgren
November 1st, 2007 at 2:53 am
Hi Jennifer!
Some reflections on the topic of your quarrels with your boyfriend being “typical”.
Would you not say that your quarrels with your mother (don’t know if you had any, you seem to have great understanding) or with any other person who is dear to you ( a close friend, etc) are also in a way “typical”? Although I subscribe to the opinion (fact?) that men and women are different, I think we forget that we all are different and yet so similar. We are similar in the way that we have that necessity to possess things/people/relationships that we like. The “I want” arises as soon as we find something attractive. In Buddhism this is called “clinging/attachment” and is considered to be the reason why we never seem to be quite happy with what we have at hand. Understandably: I cannot have it all!
In relationships, it is the clinging part that makes people want to change their partner. Because we sort of make them responsible for our happiness. (You did know from the start the guy was married and was not going to leave his family but you agreed to have it this way so you accepted the conditions. Then something changed: things got serious for you, you got hooked up and that was no longer enough). But who would ever be able to live with such a burden: making another person happy all the time? The desire to possess or to cling is considered in Buddhism to be a characteristic of our mind and something one can become aware of and work on.
Why are then your relationships with your girlfriends not as “disastrous” as with your boyfriend(s)? Possibly because you don’t feel the need to “possess” your girlfriends as much as your boyfriend, you accepted them more on their terms? Thinking in terms of biology and evolution: in the old days it was essential for the survival of a female and her babies that there was a male that could take care of them (at least one!). We, females, might still have this drive in us “to get a male”, even if the circumstances are different: your friend raised two daughters, tough as it was.
I remember you saying in the first chapter that each of your partners was “killing” you in a different way. Was their something similar in the way you felt they were killing you? I can totally relate to this as well as admit that I myself have been “killing” others when trying to “possess” them, accepting them as they were at the beginning but when things got serious and I would get attached I wanted to change them. So can it be that we are all suffocating each other when trying to change each other?
I guess what I mean to say here is that although there are differences between men and women (who would argue?) we also have to be aware of the tendencies of our mind to get attached to something or someone we like which cannot possibly work out in the long run. This happens in respect to friends and parents as well as to partners. But maybe it is more difficult for us when dealing with the partners because we are more emotionally attached to them and have all those expectations about what it is supposed to be like plus the difference in communication patterns many of which are cultural kicking in. If we just “relax” the expectations of them and ourselves, possibly we can, if not fully understand each other, at least accept? This is a long way already, wouldn’t you say?
From Sweden,
Irina Almgren (originally from Russia)
November 6th, 2007 at 11:57 am
Dear Irina,
Thank you for your two exciting posts! I have many thoughts but just have time to write a little.
For me, I spent most of my life denying gender differences and fighting for the idea of gender neutrality. Now it is interesting to notice that there are real differences between men and woman. I may overstate the idea when I write because I am going through a bit of a new born ‘awakening’. Of course when I write about fighting with my boyfriend, I am in an emotional state, so I want to tell the world that my qualities are better than his qualities! But when I calm down, I see that there are strengths and weaknesses in both genders.
What is so interesting for me is that in making FLYING I discovered that many of the things I suffered from growing up, that I thought were personal, were actually related to my gender. This helped me to see my relationship to a larger world. I look forward to hearing what you think of the series in a few weeks when you have watched more! Please write me again.
November 13th, 2007 at 11:46 am
I´d just like to thank you for the first three parts of your documentary “Flying: Confession of a Free Woman”. I am overwhelmed by your honesty, reflections, sharings and views of the life of a modern woman. An important issue has also been to see your friends’ reactions and views, as well as people from all parts of the world. This series will be a new chapter to understanding yourself and the emotional world around you, especially from a female point of view.
I´m looking forward to the fourth part, running on Swedish television on Sunday. (I got the tip to view your film from two divorced, female friends who said, “You’ve just got to see this”.)
November 14th, 2007 at 3:23 am
Annelogue wrote recently about watching FLYING: Confessions of a Free Woman, a six hour movie by Jennifer Fox that explores how women live, think and feel today across the globe. Intrigued by Annalogue’s post I followed the link to the director’s blog, and was immediately hooked. In eloquently written posts, she wonders about why men and women communicate differently (she wants to talk, he doesn’t so much), weaving different possibilities into her narrative in such a thought-provoking way…
November 15th, 2007 at 7:36 am
I am so sad I missed you when you were in Sweden!!!!
I sit on Sundays and watch Confessions and I have totally fallen in love with the program.
Having two daughters, 5 and 8 yrs, I just think it is so important to discuss gender with them and my husband and not to forget the kindergarten and school stuff.
Best of everything!!!!
Sanna
November 18th, 2007 at 4:37 pm
Jennifer, Hi.
I feel I just have to tell you I love your story. I sit glued to the TV every Sunday just like the other Swedes who have written here
It’s like you’re saying one thing after another that I can just relate so easily to, even though there’s an age difference between you and me of like 20 years or so. Thank you!
I find life being very interesting when all of a sudden things change and you gain insight on things that you maybe KNEW before, but never REALLY understood. When you THEN turn on your TV and you see someone saying all the very things you’ve been thinking about, it feels like there is something or someone out there trying to tell you (me) something…
I’m definitely in love with your “Confessions”. You know, when you see something and you get interested, and the more of it you see the greater you find it and the more you want!
Well, enough from me. I could probably confess all night here. That’s probably another interesting thing that happens with your story, people feel they know you and want to confess themselves, huh?
Let’s just say that there are lots of interesting things, and life is the most interesting of them all!
Thanks, and take care, you
All the best
Evakarin
November 19th, 2007 at 6:35 am
Your views really surprise me, but I guess they must be based on experience, assuming that you’re telling the truth (although I sometimes get the feeling that the series is not as documentary as it is made to appear). I can prove you wrong with a simple argument: I am able to discuss my feelings. I am a man. Thus the statement that men can’t talk about their feelings is false.
It is true that many men seem unable to discuss their feelings, but so do most women too! Whether you have contact with your feelings or not has nothing to do with gender, it’s individual. Perhaps you choose to have relationships with “quiet” men for a reason? I often get rejected by women because they seem unable to handle my honesty and my need for sharing feelings and “private” thoughts.
Please understand that biology is not the answer to these question!
It seems like women have usurped a monopoly on feelings! But trust me when I say YOU ARE WRONG!
November 19th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Hey!
I have just watched the fourth chapter of your “Flying Confessions” and I think it is very interesting and honest.
I find your thoughts and way of making the documentary very deep. I can really recognize myself in your doubts/thoughts about men. I get this feeling of relief that someone actually speaks up, so that women all over the world get to think and analyze just like you are doing. I appreciate that you are being yourself and really opening up in front of the camera. I think that you need a special strength to be open like you are, when you know that people all over the world and even your own mum will find out about your inner thoughts.
Your documentary really gets me thinking, analyzing and being honest to myself. It’s impressive that you can keep your depth while filming. Now I will go analyzing because that’s what your documentary makes me realize the importance of.
Thanks,
Elin
November 21st, 2007 at 7:13 am
Dear Jennifer…
Having watched Episodes 1 - 4 of Flying Confessions several times on SVT’s website as well as watching them on TV, I’m really looking forward to the 5th episode on Sunday!
I’m a law school student at a Swedish university currently taking a break to take classes in gender studies, and also a free woman
Your documentary is truly inspirational, and there are so many things I can relate to, having grown up in a large family with a mother who prefers children when they are babies and trying to balance my feelings of wanting to be free with the feelings of wanting a man who loves me in my life.
I definitely have these types of deep relationships with my girlfriends, and we speak about everything. My best friend and I met in kindergarten and are celebrating having been friends for 20 years next month. One of my male friends who lived in my dorm wondered how my best friend and I could have anything to talk about still, he thought he would have run out of things to talk about with his friends. I tried to explain how we could talk and talk and talk for hours even when we traveled for weeks together, but I could see in his eyes that he didn’t understand how we never seem to run out of topics.
I read that the significance of biology was a hot topic in the Swedish interviews. I think that the reason why questions of biology is so controversial in Sweden is because if you can say that people are born with certain characteristics, people are afraid it will be easier to call those thing diseases or that some people are born better than others. Like homosexuality… I think most people think that you are born with your sexuality, but for example in the gender studies community, it is more accepted to talk about the significance of environment when explaining human behavior. Because, they think, that if you say that people for sure are born homosexual, then it is in their genes, and therefore it can be viewed as a disease.
Having said this, I do believe that environment is crucial when it comes to how we behave as women versus men. There have been some studies in day care centers in Sweden where it was shown that boys were treated different than girls. When this was brought to the teachers attention and they acted differently the children started to behave similar, girls and boys together. Unfortunately, the school didn’t want to continue this work and in a few weeks the children were back at square one. I think it would have been interesting to see how it would have developed if the day care centers work had continued throughout the children’s journey through the school system, and what kind of people they would have become. I’m sure it would have been really wonderful!
Thank you for making this Swedish autumn lighter!
Love Matilda
November 22nd, 2007 at 9:19 am
Just want to thank you for your honest documentary that I enjoy a lot, and that I tell all my friends to watch. Lots of wise comments above! I am very inspired to pick up my own little camera to see what comes out!
All the best,
Mia
December 2nd, 2007 at 4:18 pm
I’m a woman, and I have always had difficulties fitting in with the stereotype of the “communicating female” . I’m not like that, I’ve always had trouble communicating my deepest thoughts and feelings and I’ve never succeeded in having close female friends, maybe because of my lack of communicative skills.
I’ve always been jealous of you and other women though, it has always seemed to me that you all form some secret club were you share and feel safe with each other. I have never felt safe or really comfortable in the presence of other females. I’ve always felt like I’m not a real woman when I’m around them for some reason, which is weird because there is nothing “butch” or masculine about me.
About the gender equality in Sweden - I’m Swedish - it actually is the most equal place on this planet, and fathers have a chance to be on paternity leave while the mother goes back to work, which means that Swedish children will have a completely different relationship with their fathers than earlier generations and who knows maybe this is what will change the communication between men and women for the better! My brother and my husband for example are exemplary fathers, taking as much responsibility for their children as the mothers do.
I loved your documentary “Flying.” I admire you for the way you put yourself out there and its probably one of the best things I’ve seen, it also made me cry a couple of times (I’ve become really mushy since I had my baby before that I was hard as steel and never shed a tear!;) )
I saw the last episode tonight and now I want more! I was delighted to see that you have a blog and now I just wrote the longest comment ever!/Good luck with everything -Susanne
December 2nd, 2007 at 4:19 pm
Hi Jennifer, I just saw the last episode tonight 2.12 on Swedish Television, and I just wanted to say two things that this series has given me insight about: One - I am free as free as a woman can be in this world and I’m thankful for that - so thankful for what I have got and Two - I am so grateful for the generations of women and men that went before my generation ( I’m was born in 1962) and fought for my freedom. I stand on your shoulders thank you. And thank you so much Jennifer for letting me meet all these women through you. One of the hardest things to watch were the scenes with the Thai girl. As you said: how can anyone want to have sex with someone who has to prostitute themselves. I guess the men ( and woman) who pay for sex have a twisted way of looking at the prostitute, to the buyer the seller is not a real human being just a thing. If one goes back to the maternity religion/mythology who existed about 6000 yrs ago, that is exactly the way they unpowered the female power then, by for instance breaking the noses or portraying statues of female o
Becca
Godessess. For the men buying sex it must be either a power/control thing where they empower themselves in their own eyes or they just lie to themselves that the prostitute are in on it. I Loved your series and thanks for doing it and “opening” the world for all women. Big hug and hope you and Patrick are still together - he seems really sweet, and he listens to you.
December 10th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you.
I’m a Swedish , it makes me sad that so many around me, including my friends, refuse to see biological differences between men and women. I love femininity and masculinity, and I don’t see anything bad in embracing it. There are probably many things brought upon us by society, but basically I believe the main difference between men and women is that women have a stronger link to the spiritual, and men need us to remind them where we come from and how important it is to search within ourselves for answers. And we need men to teach us many things also, maybe when its time to stop dwelling on the past and live in the moment. Of course, it’s also individual, everyone is different, but personally I feel comfort in believing that there are sides to me that are directly connected to being a woman. I hope we will learn to celebrate each others differences and learn from one another.
Again, thank you. Your documentary touched me, and I wish there were more episodes.
All the best,
Maria