“Guilt” - South Africa, June 5, 2008
by TheresaI’m not sure if it’s my Catholic upbringing or what, but I am so riddled with guilt all the time.
My recent single status is taking some adjusting. From the simple every day things like not having someone to help with chores, taking the trash out, buying groceries, helping to share the load with Hannah, etc., to the more substantial things like having someone to talk to – sharing highs and lows. I just had my 34th birthday and it was a rather gloomy day but ended up being lots of fun. Met some friends for drinks after work. Got home somewhat tipsy and cried into my pillow!
But all the while I felt so terribly guilty that I hadn’t seen Hannah since I dropped her at school that morning. My mother, of course, didn’t help by adding that Hannah had waited up for me because she ‘wanted her mommy to kiss her goodnight!’ I imagine this guilt will be a regular thing. Already I have an invitation to join some girlfriends for drinks on the weekend and I will have to leave Hannah with my mom again or stay at home forever.
I’m a working mom so I don’t spend that much time with Hannah during the week anyway which, of course, I feel guilty about. I feel guilty that right now Hannah doesn’t have strong male role models, that I will eventually date again and she will have to get to know someone new who may or may not stick around. I feel guilty that I can’t afford to do more fun stuff with her, to take her (and me) on holiday. I feel guilty that she doesn’t have a mom and dad who live together in a cute little house with a garden and a dog!
I want to believe that in the end all that matters is that Hannah is surrounded by people who love her and that I can only do a good job as a mom if I take time out for myself and on good days I almost succeed – if only I could find a way to rid myself of the guilt!