FLYING: Confessions of a Free Woman

Recently on a research trip to Botswana traveling on a dusty road outside the city I was listening to a colleague talk about how she’d realized that despite hating playing relationship games she was very guilty of playing them. I had my own little realization – that almost all the relationships I’ve been in have started with men pursuing me and my initial attraction to them had been based on the fact that THEY were attracted to me!

My colleague, after hearing this said ‘no more being chosen, Theresa. You have to do the choosing!’ I was suddenly very excited but the excitement soon faded and I was faced with the sense of dread.

I am 34 years old – I am single mom of a 2year old daughter. We live in Green Point, five minutes outside the city center close to the beach. It’s a cosmopolitan area with huge new modern apartment buildings side by side with old, sometimes uncared for smaller buildings. The streets are lined with sex workers, beggars and the young and trendy. It is colorful and although my apartment is quite modest and cramped as my mom lives with me, I like it here.

I come from an area called Mitchell’s Plain on the Cape Flats. It is called this because it is flat, uninspiring. It was built during the apartheid years to house those colored people forcibly removed from the city centers and lush suburbs. It is a bleak area , rife with gangsters, crime and poverty.

My childhood was lonely – I am an only child and my parents had a stormy marriage with my father regularly belittling and beating up my mom. I was sexually abused at age 11 by a girldfriend’s father, someone I trusted. I had no one to talk to so I withdrew into my own little fantasy world. I married my knight in shining armor , my saviour (or so I thought) who soon turned out to be more of the same – he was a drug addict who physically and emotionally abused me. After 5 years I plucked up the courage to leave and we got divorced.

I had gotten married very young and suddenly felt like I’d missed out. So I made up for it in a big way – lots of partying, lots of men. I discovered I was pregnant from someone I couldn’t see myself with – but I wanted to keep the baby. I resigned myself to the fact that I would be a single mom and just as I was beginning to accept this I met a man. I was 4 month’s pregnant and a relationship was really the furthest thing from my mind. He; however, persevered and I was vulnerable and eventually I found myself in love with this seemingly selfless, caring man who held my daughter before I did. It lasted almost 3 years before he bowed out for whatever reasons – it had all become too much for him, I guess, the reappearance of the biological dad had sparked it all.

This has all left a rather bitter taste in my mouth when it comes to men and trusting them. It will be a long time and it will take a VERY special man to get me to take such risks again.

I have baggage, heaps of it actually…but I try to live a conscious life and take responsibility for my actions and raise a happy, confident daughter

A very close friend is dealing with her husband’s recent infidelity. This is the third time that we have heard about it. She is so upset she can barely carry on with her daily duties; she hasn’t been to work for days and has a 2 year old daughter to look after. Another friend and I have been in constant contact with her- visiting, holding, talking, listening, and the more we talk about their relationship, it occurs to me that all of us in my immediate circle of friends have (or have had) relationships with men who are not equal partners. It is either because they do not contribute an equal amount financially or emotionally.

I think many women are used to putting in more, emotionally. I had always expected that. I have been with a few men who were unemployed, free-lance or part-time employed so I’ve been the stable one – the breadwinner! I have never had a problem with this- or so I thought. It seems that the men have always had a problem, though. It emasculates them. While they may be happy to have someone else pay the bills, buy the food, etc., they are not happy with the shift in power. They want to be in control, make decisions. It becomes such a huge issue in the relationship; everything is about money and who has it. I have to rethink my stance on this and perhaps my next man will have to earn more than I do. But then, he will probably have another insecurity.

Right now I am content to be on my own, take out my own trash, and pay my own bills. All I need is someone to hold every now and then.

I had a fight with my mom this morning. I received a call from an old friend last night, and while I was trying to have a conversation with him, my little daughter Hannah was tugging at the phone, singing at the top of her voice – making it impossible for me to hear him. I took her to my mom’s room and asked if she would look after her so I could continue my conversation. A few minutes later Hannah started howling and I had to end conversation so I could fetch her. I noticed my mom seemed upset but didn’t pay too much attention.

This morning as Hannah and I are leaving the house in our usual rush after spending too long eating breakfast, brushing teeth and bundling her into her coat (it’s cold and wet in this part of the world) I notice my mother is very obviously upset, in fact, she’s not even paying Hannah any attention. . . so I ask what’s going on and she says that last night I said to whomever I was speaking to that “ I also have to deal with my mother’ – which I most certainly did not. I did not speak about her once!!!

My mother is known for holding grudges – one of my friends calls her ‘granny with a grudge’ and when she feels she’s been wronged (as she most certainly does now) she can give me the cold shoulder for days!

I feel like I’m 15 again – same dynamic. I’m 34 and my mom and I still have the same patterns except now she’s 70 and in addition to all her grudges maybe she is also having trouble accepting that we’re stuck with each other – I know I have trouble accepting it! Aargh!

As if I don’t have enough to deal with! Ha ha! Good thing my mom doesn’t know a thing about the internet – imagine her reading my blog?

I’m not sure if it’s my Catholic upbringing or what, but I am so riddled with guilt all the time.

My recent single status is taking some adjusting. From the simple every day things like not having someone to help with chores, taking the trash out, buying groceries, helping to share the load with Hannah, etc., to the more substantial things like having someone to talk to – sharing highs and lows. I just had my 34th birthday and it was a rather gloomy day but ended up being lots of fun. Met some friends for drinks after work. Got home somewhat tipsy and cried into my pillow!

But all the while I felt so terribly guilty that I hadn’t seen Hannah since I dropped her at school that morning. My mother, of course, didn’t help by adding that Hannah had waited up for me because she ‘wanted her mommy to kiss her goodnight!’ I imagine this guilt will be a regular thing. Already I have an invitation to join some girlfriends for drinks on the weekend and I will have to leave Hannah with my mom again or stay at home forever.

I’m a working mom so I don’t spend that much time with Hannah during the week anyway which, of course, I feel guilty about. I feel guilty that right now Hannah doesn’t have strong male role models, that I will eventually date again and she will have to get to know someone new who may or may not stick around. I feel guilty that I can’t afford to do more fun stuff with her, to take her (and me) on holiday. I feel guilty that she doesn’t have a mom and dad who live together in a cute little house with a garden and a dog!

I want to believe that in the end all that matters is that Hannah is surrounded by people who love her and that I can only do a good job as a mom if I take time out for myself and on good days I almost succeed – if only I could find a way to rid myself of the guilt!

I am a (recently) single mother of a beautiful 28-month-old daughter. When I say recently single, I mean it’s been just over a month. And it’s been awful. After a couple of weeks of crying myself to sleep I thought I’d made some headway with this grief process but today I’ve hit a low.

It’s Monday and I’ve survived another weekend. Weekends are hard. They remind me of how alone I am, everywhere I look I see couples or see activities advertised that are best suited to couples. I really wanted to go a concert this past weekend. Womack & Womack, Ashford & Simpson, Caiphus Simenya & Letta Mbulu – romantic stuff for couples.

I’d forgotten how obsessed the world is with couples. I’ve been on my own for such a short period of time and already the jokes are there – about how long it’s been since I’ve had it, which guys would be right or wrong for me. don’t get me wrong – I’m not the victim here - I make fun of myself, put the pressure on myself.

But the truth is I am terrified that I’m going to have to do this all over again. Find someone new to be with because I know I don’t want to be alone and I know that in time I’ll see things differently and still I am terrified because I don’t know how many more painful, heart wrenching break-ups I can endure.

My friends all tell me that I am strong and I know I am – I’ve weathered a few storms in my short life – but that’s just it – I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of believing that love is enough because it so obviously isn’t. It wasn’t enough to pay the bills, to soldier on and fight for this relationship. It wasn’t enough to keep him with me and my darling daughter he said he loved so much. Love is NEVER enough.

My whole world feels out of kilter – my flat is a mess. I come home to my 70–year-old mother and 2-year-old daughter every day. There’s not enough space for all of us – I feel like the walls are closing in. I know there’ll be better days but right now it sucks!